Stoopid Sheep


Celebrity Logic, Part 1

with 3 comments

I’m not going to write about my life here. Maybe at the very end of this entry, but not here.

I like sports. There’s no better feeling than watching the Giants gang up on some other team on a Saturday afternoon, splitting a bowl of almonds with my dad and cheering them on. Knowing what’s going on with the New York Giants and their lineup and players is one thing.

I don’t like movies. When I was in Portland, the people we were staying with didn’t have cable. What did that mean? Movies. I watched movies with them, and liked most of what I saw (you can melt in the depths of Hell if “The Blues Brothers” isn’t in your top 5). But I don’t, as a rule, go to movie theaters. The next time I do that will be when the Ian Curtis movie comes out. It’ll either be really good or a pathetic butchering of the story of Joy Division. I can see people getting excited about the next movie with, say, Tom Cruise, because he’s your favorite actor (even though he shouldn’t be). That’s fine. What’s stupid, is buying those mind-numbing tabloids to read about his baby. That’s his business.

Celebrity obsession sucks. I don’t care if Brad and Angelina (or whoever they were) had a baby. No matter how hot Heidi Klum is [1], she can’t convince me that her going to a party is big news. What’s even worse is the tabloids. “Oprah ACTUALLY has an eating disorder!” Guys, Oprah doesn’t have an eating disorder. If she did, she wouldn’t have done that special on those pro-anorexia websites that we gratefully wasted a health class watching. It seems like Jessica Simpson “gets pregnant” every month. Even if she got laid that often, she’d miss her period at some point, rendering her infertile until the baby was born. “Who Paris is Cheating With This Time!” Guys, Paris Hilton defines “whore.” [2] If she’s not cheating with someone, that’s newsworthy.

Back to this eating disorder thing. I don’t usually generalize an entire group of people, but I do sometimes make archetypes, and “anorexic model” is one. My dad (freelance guitarist) was in the backing band at a (relatively small) fashion show one time. I’m watching these models walk down in what he described as “well-put-together pieces of curtain fabric.” And you could count the ribs. I don’t know who considers that hot, because that’s disgusting. There weren’t any bones left to the imagination. Guess who I was staring at instead? The women in the audience, many of whom were drop-dead hot and should have been up there. Oh, and Dad says that they were changing [3] back behind the curtain which he had a clear view of. I feelest thy pain.


[1] As someone who occupies my school hallway once said, “If sex were a person, it would look like Heidi Klum.”

[2] And there are very, very few people that are deserving of that title.

[3] Entirely changing. Street clothes -> nude -> curtain fabric.
DISCLAIMER: This entry was actually started some time in November. I was too lazy to post it.

Written by envika

December 7, 2006 at 8:03 am

Posted in Uncategorized

3 Responses

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  1. Maybe the Times will add a gossip column. That would help to divert a lot of money away from tabloid sales, plus you could buy the Times in the supermarket instead of having to look at all those stupid tabloids at the checkout lines.
    BTW, not altogether related, to conclude the Hindu/Buddhist/Jain philosophy unit in my school’s history class, we watched The Matrix. Totally cool.

    John, Future Canadian Hegemon

    December 9, 2006 at 9:08 pm

  2. that’s badass. we had one of those but we didn’t get to do any of that. but we watched “raise the red lantern” mid-China-unit. it was ghetto. and by ghetto i mean it sucked. kinda


    December 10, 2006 at 6:58 am

  3. If sex was a person, it would look like ME!! (See my website for proof.)

    And Paris Hilton is not a whore. A slut, perhaps, with the morals of a mink and the brains of a squirrel, but not a whore. No one has ever paid her for sex, as far as we know.

    tyra banks

    December 15, 2006 at 3:28 am

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